24
Apr
14

I’m still here

I know it goes without saying that I have been MIA. Life and sickness and change got in the way and I let it. I ran out of things to say and I just quit posting. No good excuse, I know.

A year ago, I mentally wiped the slate clean and started a new blog. New name, new start. It’s taken off and I’m proud. It reflects where I am in my life right now. I’m still trying to figure out where I am at, but the current blog has so much potential.

This blog name will soon become the name of the current blog. I will be back one last time to set things up and I hope you will follow this blog over at the new place.

I quit blogging here but I have thought of you often. Lets reconnect, ok?

27
Jan
13

energy around you

You may have lost your way temporarily, but do no lose sight of what matters most, on your journey back to happiness. @thegodlight

I have this friend. No, not that kind of friend. Just “a” friend. I have been thinking about him a lot lately and I was going to say that I didn’t know why, but clearly it’s been there for a reason. I think that there is something to be said for feelings that come over you. Some say its a girl thing, these little whispers that you feel around you, maybe you don’t hear them but you feel their presence.

Anyway, a bunch of stuff was said a long time ago and I took my crap and bailed on the friendship.  And that was ten years ago and I didn’t look back, but I have always had trouble moving forward, too, from this particular relationship. I have had people hurt me worse since then, but moving forward without resolution is difficult for me.

I have had him and the past on my mind this weekend and I was making a mental list of things that I need to work on resolving. I have come to the conclusion that you can’t pick and choose the parts of your life that you want to remember. It was one of several colossal revelations that I had this weekend. I didn’t plan on having them, but once I had one, they seem to come one right after the other.

There are things that I need to keep close and this falls in that line. I will share that today, I was completely open to receiving a message and this quote allowed me to start considering the person I was over ten years ago. Each word in the above quote made an impact. It was one small little crawl in a journey to understand myself and the person that I used to know. I found this quote last Fall and I thought it sounded interesting and I stuck it in my draft folder for safe keeping and I didn’t give it another thought until now. I logged in to trash drafts that I decided against posting. The draft was simply titled TheGodlight and enough time had past since saving it, I didn’t recall the contents. When I opened the page, that quote and its message waited for me and I sat staring at it in shock that the person and quote were a perfect match to this situation. It’s been the catalyst to get things pushed to the front of the line to handle. This moment validates that you get what you need when you are open and willing to comprehend the message.

So, my question is this. Do you believe in signs? I have always heard it referred as intuition. Have you ever prayed for a sign and gotten an answer? Are there things that you are trying to make sense of in your life as I am in mine? And do you think that there a things around you, not just God, but energy that moves around you, that guides you in situations?

21
Jan
13

Martin this Monday

Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed over a year before I was born. I grew up in a mostly white region where people didn’t speak of him and the few that did, did so unkindly. It was a product of the era and area that I was raised in.

As an adult, I find him fascinating. I love reading his speeches, I think he was such a powerful speaker and presence. I admire his courage and passion for his beliefs. I reflect in his words often and especially when I am faced with a tough decision. I hope he is looking down today and encouraged by the good that is being done and those that try and do it. It’s sometimes tough in this world to step up and speak up.

I was reading and reflecting tonight and it meant much to me to find a quote that spoke to me the most. Like you, I know the most quoted verses. Near the end of my search and knowing that it was time to select one, I ran across this quote and it was one that I had never seen. It grabbed me and moved me and came at a time tonight when something was bothering me and I sought wisdom and guidance on how to handle a situation down the road. I needed to see this. I think tonight was the night that I was supposed to read and discover it. He is still inspiring people through his insight and wisdom.

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, “Love your enemies.” It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies. (from “Loving Your Enemies”)” Martin Luther King, Jr

16
Jan
13

The media and opinion

A few days ago, I noticed some people on Facebook shared a video relating to the murders in Newtown, CT.  Sighting concerns for their personal safety, the video was anonymously released claiming the slaughters that took place at Sandy Hook never happened. There are accusations that it was the entire incident was a  hoax, that the total number of deaths were exaggerated and that actors were used to portray the parents. These so called “truthers” claim that their goal is only to provide information so viewers can make up their own mind about what happened that day.

It bothers me that this has been allowed to get this far. How can anyone say with any sincerity that this not only didn’t happen but it was part of a government hoax? I can’t understand the type of person that would use the death of children to gain fame. I can understand that people have questions, but using the deaths of children to gain attention makes me sick. People that jump on this bandwagon are as twisted as the man that went on this slaughtering spree. And as bad are members of the media that are sharing this video on their social media sites – not just using it to open dialogue but to say that they believe the truth of the video. I think this is so dangerous for anyone in print or broadcast journalism to takes sides on a story. Everyone is given the right to express opinion and I know I am doing it here, but I think the average influenced influenced by anyone in the spotlight.

Has your opinion of someone in the spotlight ever changed because they expressed an opinion that you might not have expected? I am surprised that some of the people that I thought I knew well that are now fanning the flames of this ugliness. Some of the same folks are outraged that their guns and rights to own them are going to be taken away. These posts are being made by members of the broadcast community on their personal pages that are not affiliated with work. If they are this stupid, then they fall into the group of people that shouldn’t be allowed to purchase firearms. I read up on these new measures that the President is recommending and not once did I read the part where it said that you cannot purchase a firearm or that your guns would be taken away. I read the article at CNN.com and I don’t see what the fuss is about. I do take pleasure in watching how downright cantankerous and red faced a few people get when you ask them where they heard or read that guns were being banned and they have no answer.

I can’t understand why each and every person in the United States isn’t willing to be part of the solution. You don’t want Plan A, but you have nothing to contribute to solving this problem. Whatever we can do to protect children should be the priority, not meeting the needs of one person throwing a fit before they understand what is going on. I don’t have children, love them but never wanted any, but I cannot understand why everyone isn’t united in an effort to stop them from being killed. If these new measures happen and 1 child is kept alive because of it, it should be worth it.  You aren’t shooting Campbell Soup cans in the backyard with those guns and the fact that the Constitution said you could have one isn’t a good reason anymore. Because 20 little angels and 6 heroes died in a school and that isn’t okay. And if you are a member of the media, it’s incredibly irresponsible of you to to throw statements out and further agitate the paranoid tin foil hat contingency that pays way too much attention to what you say. I don’t ever dislike someone because they don’t view a situation the same way that I do, but I dislike people that aren’t responsible in what they say and the method they choose to deliver it.

10
Jan
13

Compliments

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” – George MacDonald

I ran across this quote weeks ago but didn’t have anything to say about it at the time. I have been looking through drafts and keeping my resolution to do away with posting for the sake of posting.

A few days ago, someone contacted me and said they most enjoyed my posts because I always made them feel like it was a one on one conversation between the reader and me. I thought that was a tremendous compliment and it made me feel so good.

It made me want to pose the question what is the greatest compliment that someone has paid you? I try to give a compliment when and where I can but I want to make an effort to do it consistently.

06
Jan
13

Happy New Year!

I missed you! I didn’t go anywhere, I’m sitting here now in my pajamas watching television. I have been busy, I just haven’t had anything to say.

I took my tree down this week, put up decorations and sent out the last of the Christmas cards. Yes, you read it right. I suck, I’m a bad friend.

I hit a stretch where I wasn’t feeling or sleeping well. One night, a few weeks ago, I had this vivid dream and it’s the product of the post below this one. Here’s the poop though, I’m not sure it was a dream. Not often, but every now and then, I wake up and have this  feeling that I wasn’t here. I don’t know if my body goes on a little ride or if my mind does, but there are oddities that I can’t get a handle on. I typed that up exactly as I felt like it happened with very very little editing. I deleted a sentence here and there that was redundant, but it truly was written in the way it happened and felt.

I did fudge with the end paragraph, but I have an overwhelming sense that maybe it wasn’t a conventional dream. I don’t know what it was and maybe it wasn’t anything other than a sleep-deprived dream, but I can’t shake this ongoing sense. By now, you can’t be shocked.

I’m getting Christmas catalogs. Why? Have people no pride? Of course, a few friends said the exact same thing to me about the Christmas cards they got me me this week. But still. And they are still showing Christmas movies.

Groundhog_Day_(movie_poster)Groundhog Day is soon. February 2nd if you want to add it to the calendar or plan a Punxsutawney Phil viewing party. Do you like warm weather or cold? Or are you like me and you miss having 4 different seasons?

And I thought we needed something new to look at, so I updated our theme. I hope you like it.

06
Jan
13

The day we met

We met at a coffee shop. That’s the least complicated way to say it.

It was one of those outdoor rolling truck deals. Caffeine on wheels. I’m not a coffee snob, but I was suspicious that coffee produced in a truck would be good, but it was okay. It passed the initial whiff test, so I ordered a cup.

I  turned around and he was standing on the sidewalk.

I don’t know why we sat down. We didn’t know each other and I was always the obedient kid who did what was expected and didn’t rebel against the rules of walking off with a stranger. We found our way to a table. It was an old, interesting piece. At first glance, it looked like it had been made out of over sized wooden clothes pins.

“I’ve never seen you around here,” he said.

“I’m not sure why I ended up here, but it’s beautiful,” I replied, trying not to stare. As my late mother used to say, he’s a pretty man.

“I’m actually not from around here myself, but I know you aren’t from here. It’s a little gift I have.” He seemed quite pleased with himself.

I looked around to try and get my bearings. The truth is that I wasn’t from the area, so where we were could have been anywhere as far as I was concerned. We were in a park; at least it looked like a park. It wasn’t though but I didn’t know what else to call it. There were trees peppered throughout the immediate area and off to the left, there was the whitest sidewalk that I had ever seen that led the way to a strip mall of local wares. There were people out walking the sidewalks, but they didn’t seem in a hurry to be anywhere. The grass was the greenest grass that I had ever seen, too. The colors were so vibrant, I felt like I had on those cheesy too big for your face 3D glasses that they hand out at the flicks. I’m a little OCD and didn’t want to put my feet on it, but I wanted to lean down and smell the grass to see if it was real. A far cry from the brown, drought ravaged grass where I’m from. Where I had just left.

“Have we met?” my new friend asked.

I was stalling to buy a few minutes to decide what to do next. I settled myself down long enough to finally look at him. He was wearing the guy uniform – jeans and white kicks. He was wearing a long sleeved blue tee shirt with some faded white logo on the front. If I stared long enough, I could see what the logo was, but I didn’t think it mattered right now. I could tell that as old as the shirt looked, it must hold a special meaning or memory.

“I don’t think so.” Knowing what you think and knowing what you know are usually not the same thing. The line was suddenly becoming a tad on the blurry side and frankly, my head was starting to hurt.

“You looked freaked out, did I freak you out? I’m sorry. Really. I’m just interested in learning about you. I’m married, I’m not some creeper.”

I told him that it was fine, I didn’t read anything into his questions and it wasn’t intrusive to ask a question of someone you were meeting for the first time.

The thing was, I wasn’t freaked out. I don’t know why. There was a calm about him that I appreciated. And he had honest eyes. Sad eyes, but I didn’t dare ask why, he wasn’t my story to tell. Or was he? God, who knew, I needed a guide to follow along.

Do you have friends here? Family? What do you do, if it isn’t rude to ask you.” You don’t have to though, I just wanted to ask in case you wanted to share.”

I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t think that he would understand and I didn’t feel like it was time appropriate to just give up everything. His head couldn’t wrap around this and right now, mine was still throbbing right along.

“I’m traveling. It was a stop on the road. I really should go. I’m not even sure why I came here, it just seemed like I was pulled to this place.” I shook my head at the irony.

I felt him looking at me, not staring, but searching, for what, I wasn’t sure. Welcome to my world, buddy.

We sat there. We sat at our funky little table across from each other for more than 30 minutes and didn’t say a word.  We people watched and fiddled with our drinks. I noticed that he was drinking tea. It was more like fiddling with the paper cup than it was actual drinking. He had a lot on his mind, I could tell. He wanted to say something, but I knew he wouldn’t. Like me, he wasn’t a big sharer. Wait now, how the hell did I know that?

I wanted to stay, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew that choice had been made for me.

“I spilled something on my shirt this morning. I’m an idiot. I got in a hurry, but I’m in a hurry when I’m asleep, so…” He laughed at the thought and I could tell that he was hard on himself. No one was harder on himself than he likely was.

Dreams. Burdens. Obligations. Expectations. These words suddenly pounded inside my head like a drum and I wanted to cover my ears and scream. I kept hearing them, more like an overwhelming feeling, but I didn’t understand where or why I was getting them.

He wasn’t ready to leave. Being a well prepared for emergencies girl, I took the Tide pen out of my purse and held it up in front of his face. I stepped toward him and ran the pen over the imaginary stain under his right collarbone. He was warm. I don’t remember the last time that I felt warm.

Slow in getting up, I said, “I really should go. I guess the nights are cold by now and I need to be on my way.” Wherever it is, however I get there or got here…. It wasn’t volunteered and I didn’t ask, by now, I knew the drill and knew better than to quiz.

I was surprised at how fast he got to his feet. “It was such a pleasure to meet you. Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime. I travel for my job and I guess you do, too.”

We threw our cups away, it was a shame, they were mostly full. There’s a lesson in that somewhere, but I didn’t let myself focus on it.

God! Was I wearing pajamas? What the hell was I wearing? He must have thought that I was a freak because I started wildly grabbing and tugging at my clothes. Who knew what I was wearing, God, if this all happened while I was in pajamas, really. I had no say when these stupid things happened though. I cursed a big string not as under my breath as it should have been and I couldn’t help but smile when he laughed at me.

We never even introduced ourselves, we just sat down, like a silly game of cake walk to claim this crazy table.

I backed up and started to turn around. I heard what I hoped was just a loud car; it was the weekend, the kids must be out and about already.

“One time in college, I had this beat up old car; it was this ugly brown Volvo that I drove everywhere. I bought it with the money I was supposed to use for school. I left college and kept the car. It was so damn ugly, but it got me on time to a lot of places. I had really big dreams back then and that clunker knew every one of them.” He was interesting and sweet and complicated and I suddenly wanted to stay and understand more about him. There was much to tell; intuition told me that much. Pays to be a girl sometimes, we know things. No hocus pocus required.

I woke up covered in sweat and kicking at the bed covers. I was so damned mad, I jerked the cover off me and stood up. I didn’t even bother to turn the light on, but I could tell that I was in my favorite pajamas. I was sick of being whisked out of bed by someone or something that I didn’t know and I was past damn tired of not knowing who I was supposed to see and what I was supposed to say when I got there. This is not Highway To Heaven and I am not Michael Landon. Who knew, maybe it was and I was, at this point; why not? Did I dream this crap or is this really happening and why am I sucked into the middle of it and why can’t I just be left out of it?

And how long did I have until it happened again? This was becoming a routine that I didn’t like. I reached for my coffee cup, but it wasn’t there. It was a cheap Styrofoam cup of tea from a ship in Seattle.




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